Page 7 - Scene Magazine 44-12 December 2018
P. 7

The Way I’ve Scene I
changed a bit this year, so you prolly need to pay close attention, because for the most part, I want you to take more than you leave.
a ball and paddle and some ribbon candy too, but that should do it. Oh. I am also going to want you to wrap at least one prezzy in white tissue paper with a green bow on top, so I know that it is for me. If it happens to be a 1000 piece puzzle, I will be grateful. That’s it. That’s all you need to bring me. It’s the rest of my list that gets tricky! You and I both know that it is better to give than receive,
First, I do need you to fill my stocking. That is never not fun, and I’m always going to want one. You never fail to bring me clever little gadgets, Gold Toe socks, M&Ms, lotion, and Chap- stick. Please note, at this age, the only thing dryer than the Gobi Desert is me. My painful fingers cracked as soon as the temperature dipped into the 30’s back in November, when that comedic genius, Mother Nature, dumped 5” of snow on us that stayed for two weeks, and they are likely to remain that way until May, so Crack Cream is always appreciated. As you know, if there is not a tangerine in the toe of that beautiful, nostalgic stocking that my mother needlepointed dozens of years ago, I’m going to be aiming the stink eye in your general direction, so let’s don’t disappoint.
A stocking isn’t a stocking without a tangerine in it... okay, and maybe I need
so you might wanna bring an EMPTY sleigh to my house, because I have a few things for YOU!
Dear Santa,
I’m gonna need you to stop by on Christmas Eve, as per protocol these past 59 years. My list of demands... oops, I mean my “wish list” has
either be shoveling or making winter crop circles with the snow blower, and not only does no one want to watch
me huff and puff and carry on like a temperamental teenager, but I am not interested in that task never even on a good day. While we are dispensing with wintery things, please pack up the deer who insist on being a part of my dark ride to and from work every day, and keep them safe up there at the Pole with you. I think that could be a real win- win for everyone in Michigan. Make some room, because we are not done yet. Santa, it’s a petty thing, sure, but I would also like to give you some of the 14 mismatched cups I have accumulated in the cupboard, all of the slightly used jars of stuff that hog all of the space in the fridge, and maybe, say, 40 empty lunch meat boxes. I have saved them all these years, and now, I would like for you to have them. In fact, if you don’t mind, take all of the things we never use and no longer need. That would be just aces. Finally (you might need to make two trips) please load up all of
the stupid things I say and do in a year. Take my complaints, worries, and un- solicited opinions too, because they are helpful to no one, but please leave my dry, weird sense of humor, because I am not sure I can possibly do the coming year without it. Thank you in advance. You, sir, are a real Saint.
A Letter to Nicholas
The messiest thing you can pile onto your rig is cancer. It isn’t mine, but it is in my house, so I’m asking you to make it go away. We don’t want it here... no one wants it, so perhaps you could just banish it once and for all. The second thing you can have is every snowfall that exceeds 3”. Really, even if you
just take the part the plow dumps into the end of the driveway all winter, that would be great... See, cancer and accu- mulating snow means yours truly will

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